Posts Tagged ‘family’

How to Party – “Beverly Hills Style”

Monday, March 30th, 2009

The dress code on the invitation said “Hollywood Glamour.”  I glanced at my husband and sighed.  It didn’t take a brain surgeon to realize this meant gowns and tuxes.  I’m just more of a meat and potatoes kind of girl, that’s all.retro la mar2009 04 200x300 How to Party   Beverly Hills Style

My husband works for a very wealthy man.  Wealthy, like he owns four homes and has his own plane, wealthy.   I must clarify that we do not run in the same circles or socialize much with “the Boss” and his wife, “Twyla”, but as a long-time and loyal employee, Craig (and I) occasionally get invited to one of their soirees.

Last month we received an invitation to “the  Bosses” birthday party from “Twyla” (Thin, Wealthy, Yout-going, Lovely and Attractive).  They have a home in Beverly Hills and, literally, share a driveway with a very famous movie star, who I am classy enough not to name but let’s just say she and Brad Pitt used to be married.

So we loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.

Hills, that is.
Swimming pools and movie stars.

As we wove our way through Hollywood, four crossing searchlights beamed out towards the heavens from a location high in the hills.  Craig looked over at me and raised his eyes.  Wordlessly, I shrugged and wondered if that’s where we were headed.  We had entered a different zone, a time zone if you will, and I searched the night sky for the unicorns and superheroes I’m sure had been hired to spirit us away to the party.  This was, after all, the night before the Oscars and it was Hollywood / Beverly Hills / LA / Tinseltown / California – anything could happen.

The searchlights drew us in like zombies and, sure enough, when we reached the estate, it was apparent that we had found the mother ship.  Security personnel swarmed the base of the drive directing party-goers and paparazzi alike and we followed limousines and Bentley’s up the winding road, past the heavily gated mansion of that famous movie star who was recently in that “Marley” movie, and got in line to valet our borrowed Subaru station wagon.

The wine and the valium kicked had in and I felt oddly relaxed, like I did this every day, like I belonged, like I’d come home.  I readjusted my bosom, shook out my hair, and smiled to the tuxedoed men scurrying to open my door and help me out.  A large red carpet led from the car to the mansion and I had to turn my head as I walked it, the bright flashes from the photogs camera’s blinding me, and the deafening screams of the paparazzi calling out my name forced me to cover my ears. (Umm… well, I may have exaggerated a bit.  Not the part about the drugs and alcohol, but the part where they were screaming my name.  All I actually heard was someone say was that “she’s a ‘nobody’”, but at that point, I was living the dream my friends, living the dream)

“Oh-my-God!  You look fabulous!  Who did your gown?”  A woman, who looked just like Joan Rivers but a hundred years younger, rushed over to us and shoved a microphone in our face.

I couldn’t remember the generic name on my label, so I just smiled sweetly and replied “Dior, dahling”.  The Joan impostor nodded, duly impressed, and then asked us to say a few words to the birthday boy.  We offered our congratulations into the videographer’s camera and then walked into the gala.  My fake jewels glistened in the fake moonlight and I walked into the party, chin held high, chest even higher.

Burka, baby, burka

Quick note.  The last event I attended in Beverly Hills was for Twyla and “the Bosses” wedding.  I had on, what would be considered in the Midwest, classic wedding attire – a long black skirt and a fitted jacket.  My hair was pulled back in a chignon and my make-up was  . . . normal.  In Beverly Hills, my outfit was akin to wearing a burka – I kid you not.  The female guests at the wedding wore long sweeping strapless gowns held up by their ample and overflowing cleavage.  Make-up and hair were professionally done (duh!) and the jewels, oh the jewels.  I swore the next fancy party I attended I would not make the same mistake.

And I didn’t.  That night I was not the same frumpy bumpkin that I once was.  The moment I stepped out of the family car, strewn with my nieces and nephews toys, I became as charming as Cinderella - or at least, Snow White.  After giving Twyla the small gift I had made (fancy potholders), I offered up my fake fur wrap to the butler as though he were my long-lost brother.  I batted my false eyelashes, air-kissed (European-style, no less) anyone who came even remotely close and even tucked a business card in my amply displayed cleavage.  I refrained from whistling at the speeches and clapped politely when necessary.  I thanked the “help” when leaving and didn’t even ask what they were going to do with all the extra food.

After midnight, we returned to the pumpkin for the trip back to my brother-in-law’s place.  I kicked off my slippers and struggled out of my girdle (code name – “Spanx”) so I could take my first deep breath of the evening, and sat back for the long ride back to the other side of the tracks.

All in all, it was an interesting night but I couldn’t imagine living that way.  I would miss doughnuts and deep breaths (two things that are near and dear to my heart), and just the anonymity that being a “nobody” brings.  I would, however,  take the rich part.  That I could get used to.

Deranged Author seeks Justice

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

It all started with a stone. A Petoskey stone, to be precise.

For all you non-Michiganders, the Petoskey stone is the official state rock of Michigan. Michigan is one of the few states that actually has a state rock, and for those of us who have resided there at one time or another, the Petoskey stone is a continual reminder of just how special this mitten-shaped state really is.

Petoskey stones are a valuable commodity, partly because so many have been snatched up by tourists and eager entrepreneurs, and also because they are very difficult to spot. When dry, they look like any other gray rock, but throw some water on them and the mottled net of veins that wrap round the stone magically appear—truly an amazing geological experience.

It’s not as easy as you think.

My stepfather, Pete, has an eagle eye for spotting these stones. He walks his four dogs daily on the beaches near Point Betsie, where you can find the gems, and he rarely returns home without a pocketful. My mother carefully washes the rocks and then runs them through the tumbler in their garage. The end product is a consistently shiny, lovely stone.

My parents have Petoskey stones piled in large pots on their deck, gathered in water-filled glass vases on the windowsill, artfully displayed on platters on their coffee table, and heaped in a clear cookie jar in the guest bathroom. They enjoy handing out their rocks as gifts to visiting out-of-towners who are awed by the stones but don’t want to fork over the big bucks it takes to buy one (no kidding—large stones can sell for as much as $100!).

Pete and my mother, Claudia, are opposed to selling their stones, but have no problem giving them away to their friend, Bob, an entrepreneur, who is not. Bob makes Petoskey stone lamps, picture frames, and bird houses, and is working on a Petoskey stone mouse pad (don’t ask).

This, my friends, is where my story really begins.

Last summer, as I always do, I visited my mother and Pete in the quaint little town of Frankfort on Michigan’s northwest coast. I was excited not only because I got to visit my parents and their four very large special dogs, but also because Frankfort was having its yearly Art Fair/Garage Sale. This year was extraordinary because, in addition to the usual booths of Petoskey stone pictures, Petoskey stone puzzles, and Petoskey stone animals, there was going to be a real, live local author who had self-published three books.

Now, I had just finished writing my first novel (available this spring!) and I was beyond thrilled at the opportunity to rub shoulders with another writer—especially one who had been published. I left my mom and Pete in Bob’s booth and anxiously searched for the local celebrity.

I found him sitting high on a chair behind a table of neatly stacked books. I casually picked one up, pretended to leaf through it, looked up, and said, somewhat nervously, “I just finished my first one.”

“Congratulations. You read your first book.”

His sarcastic comment threw me off. Normally, I would have chuckled and made some smart-alecky reply, but his unkind tone and my nervousness did not encourage such playfulness.

“Uh, no, I meant writing it.”

“Oh.” He glanced away dispassionately.

I was flabbergasted. How could he not be overcome with curiosity? He was a writer, for Pete’s sake. Wasn’t he the least bit interested in this woman, who had, by the way, spent the last whole year writing? Writing before everyone got up. Writing on my laptop in the car while the boys took tennis or swimming lessons. Writing while the laundry sat in piles or my husband took the kids to Mickey D’s . . . again.

Denied!

I wanted so badly just to converse with this man that I ignored his rudeness. Maybe we had simply gotten off to a bad start. I tightly clutched the piece of paper on which I had written out the questions I wanted to ask and started over. After the third monosyllabic reply, I finally gave up. My feelings were hurt, I was tremendously disappointed, and I had never felt so strongly that the club I wanted to join was not accepting my kind.

I set the man’s book down slowly and wished him luck. As I made my way back to Bob’s Petoskey stone booth, I contemplated arson, and bodily harm and childishly regretted that I hadn’t made some nasty comment to him, or come up with a devastating put-down, or even said something to the effect that his books looked incredibly boring and amateurish.

But the truth was, they had not. I would have bought all three if he had humored me, or even just said good luck. But he hadn’t. He had lost not only a sale, but also the respect of another human being, another writer, who just wanted to share war stories.

Drowning my sorrows . . .

It took me a couple of banana daiquiris and some old Barry Manilow songs to get over my funk, but the will to live did return. Soon I will continue this exciting saga, and next, tell of my tumultuous rise to mid-level accounting manager (it’ll have you on the edge of your seat!). Or I could just skip to the moral of this story . . . which is – don’t judge a rock by its cover.

I bet you thought I was going to say something like “have faith in yourself” or “never lose sight of your dreams” or “don’t give up”. But sometimes you just have to connect with a person, or catch a glimpse of a half-wet rock, or be in the right place at the right time. Sometimes you just have to be lucky.

XOXOXOX

Lise