Tips: When Rush attacks, don't look him in the eye and if that doesn't work, play dead

There are certain guidelines that are suggested the “cleansor” follow.  First, it’s best to choose a target that can’t fight back.  This will eliminate spouses, family members and Rush Limbaugh.  Second, make sure your digs are confusing enough that you can always claim that the “cleansee” took you out of context and didn’t understand what you were trying to say. An example might be something along the lines of “I didn’t mean stupid.  Stupid has more than one meaning.  Sure it can mean dumb, but it can also mean injudicious.”   Chances are they will not know the meaning of that word and will be unwilling to admit it.  Snap.  Point scored.

Let’s get started

This is NOT Freddy Krueger (it's Keith!)

My personal opinion is that once you hit middle-age, you can’t, with a straight face, say that you are a “rocker”.  You can claim you enjoy rock n’ roll, or you used to be a “rocker” but that’s it.  When your hairline is receding or you stop buying your bras from Victoria’s Secret, you have given up the right to use hip verbiage or hand signals. 

This is Freddy! Hard to tell the difference, isn't it?

There’s nothing sadder than seeing Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones in his wheel-chair making the rock n’ roll horns with his arthritic hand.

Seriously, is this the face of an alien?

If I hear one more suggestion that Paula Abdul is an alien, I will personally issue a call to my own mother-ship and lodge a complaint.  Paula has always been misunderstood (the sure sign of a genius) and even though she speaks in tongue at inappropriate times, it is all a part of her act.  And it’s obvious that she is an excellent actress.

So she's kind of cute - big deal!

I am tired of seeing women who are old enough to have grandchildren in bikinis and miniskirts (Hello Demi Moore . . . Jennifer Aniston?)  Have some self-respect ladies!  You may look hot but you’re not fooling anyone.   Your insecurities are written all over your face and trust me, that is one thing Botox won’t cover.  I am not envious (give me a break – I choose to wear stretch pants), I’m just concerned that you may be headed for a fall and frankly, I don’t have the stomach for one more break-up.

Don't cha just want to eat 'em up!

I wonder if Glenn Beck is as charming in person as he is on TV?  I love a man who can cry on cue and act as melodramatic as a teen-age girl on a bad-hair day.  There’s definitely something appealing about Glenn Beck . . . something that makes me want to tell him Sarah Palin called and wants him to run as her VP.  Then tell him I was pulling his leg.  Is that wrong?
 

How are they all fitting in the front seat? There can't be 3 seatbelts!!!

There should be celebrity regulations on whining and complaining about being a celebrity.  Unless you have been granted special permission by Paula Abdul, you can’t mention that you are tired of being thin, rich or talented. Also, no more droning on about open crotch shots by the papparazi; if you think you might accidently spread your legs at an obscene angle when getting out of a car and you aren’t wearing underpants, make sure your parents won’t find out and have to explain that one to the bridge club. (Lindsay, Paris and Britney – it’s called common sense, but there’s nothing common about it.  The upper-class can also enjoy it.)

Am I the only one that is confused by Justin Timberlake’s appeal?  Sure he’s kinda funny and can sing like a girl but so can Prince and I haven’t heard much from him since Purple Rain.  I wonder if JT hadn’t pulled that “wardrobe malfunction” stunt with Janet Jackson if he wouldn’t still be on the Mickey Mouse Club.  Think about it.

I know, I know, but he claims he's not.

I think it’s so unfair that Joel Stein gets his own column in Time Magazine.  The last I knew, he was trying too hard to be funny on that silly show “I Love the Eighties” (who doesn’t love the eighties, Joel?), but as a self-professed hater of America and a lover of porn he has somehow risen in the ranks.  Well, I’ll do you one better, Mr. Stein.  I hate the world, no – the universe, and I not only love porn, I think I’ll marry it.   Get over yourself, Mr. I’ll-say-anything-for-attention.

No . . . of course he's not crazy!

Is Ryan O’Neill as crazy as he says he is?  My bet is yes, probably even crazier.  Crazy and asinine are two traits I personally know are hereditary and his children have had the poor luck of picking up at least one, if not both, of those genes. 

As I read what I have just written, it occurs to me that some will see this exercise as mean-spirited and insensitive.  This is totally not my intention and with all due respect, might I suggest that you are being a bit injudicious?